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I have never felt like I was attractive. Not to say that I think I'm ugly, just not attractive. Being gay and having been shunned many times over, doesn't help. I'm too big or balding or the gap in my teeth. I would like to say I don't care, but there is a part of me that does.
However, being on these social apps has told me that men do find me attractive. I always feel like people look at me in public, and in my mind it's like I'm the elephant man. But maybe they are damn, he's cute. Or maybe it's just my fly is down.

Life: It Is What You Make It

I have had a couple people tell that they want to move to another city/state/whatever because they can't find happiness (love, friends, job) where they are currently at.  And I think to myself that I once felt that way.  I hated everything about my life.  I'd going on date after date and never make a good connection.  Looking back into the forest I can see I was the problem.  There were plenty of opportunities here for a love life and friendships.  So maybe they don't need the change of scenery, maybe they need a change of self.  I know I did.

Is Has Been Written...

I have been really stupid a few times in my life.  And yes, these times have using been aided by alcohol.  And I'm not proud of any of it.  However, the things that I have done have already happen.  I can't sit here and ponder what if.  I'd drive myself crazy wondering what all the variables could be to the change the outcome.  It has been written and it is what it is.

However, now it is on me to not repeat these steps again.  And again. And again.  I mean what is really so bad with my life.  I could a good partner, a decent (but at times dreadfully boring) job, family that cares and a few friends left over.  So, the question still remains, why the self destructive path?  What makes me that it is even remotely normal to drink a gallon (that's two of the handle bottles) in two days?  I used to chuckle when Charlie Sheen was going through his crazy phase, but only because I could relate.....

Holiday

I feel like I'm about to go crazy if I don't get to go on some kind of vacation soon.  It seems like everyone around me has been able to take some time off and go somewhere.  Even the people that I can't imagine how they paid for it.

Granted in the last year I have been to Dallas, Tulsa, Branson & Kansas City.  However, each one of those trips were to go do a specific thing and come right back home.

The last time I went on what I consider a vacation was to San Antonio & Corpus Christi.  And that has been well over 15 years ago.  In six years, I have yet to take a full week off from my job.

However, there is a slight glimmer of hope.  David and I are planning on going to Atlanta for the Thanksgiving Holiday. I will get to the see his hometown and meet some of his family & friends.  I'm hoping that after this trip, I will feel like I have had some down time away from the world and just about to recharge myself.

Everybody Got Their Something

Everybody is addicted to something.  Whether it's coffee every morning, sex, food, exercise.  Everybody has something.  I am always thankful that I didn't get into anything heavier than alcohol.  I think if meth or coke had gotten a hold of me, I wouldn't be able to shake it.  It's hard for me to say that to people without sounding foolish.  "Look at me, I'm only a drunk."  It just doesn't come across well.  But there is that part of me that is glad.  I know I have more than a fighting chance to get through this.

Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary

So I didn't stand in front of mirror and chant for her.  However, I almost wish I had...

I did however go to brunch and thinking I would be sophisticated ordered a carafe of Bloody Mary.  That was one of the worst things I have ever tasted in my life.  I honestly felt like I was drinking a steak sent through the blender on puree.  Here's the funny part.  I could taste the vodka.  Which has been my liquor of choice for over ten years.  And I looked at David and said even if you filled this the rest of the way with vodka, I still wouldn't drink it.  So, that makes me wonder if my "drinking problem" is more of a habit than an addiction.  I have been at David's house with his mead and haven't busted in to it.  I'm able to have a couple of beers and still maintain my composure.  I don't sit there and crawl the walls trying to think of a way to get some.  I mean if I wanted it that bad, I could walk to the bar down the street.  But I don't.

So what if this is just a habit I have gotten myself in to.  I know a lot of it was being bored, depressed and just wanting to "take a trip".  I was going to say forget, but I didn't want to forget.  I just wanted to be somewhere else for the night.  Granted a book could have transported me as well.

Does this mean that I just need to re-program how/when I drink?  

I Have Got Nothing But Everything To Prove

There are times you think you are only doing things to yourself, but those are times you are wrong.  Every action you take has an impact on the people in your life and even those outside of your life.  

I have thought numerous times that if I wasn't drunk John to anyone, then how could I possibly be do anything to them.  I was only hurting myself and no one else.  I'm finding this is not true.  Whether I can stay sober the rest of my life or still have slip ups, I am having impacts on peoples lives.

I do find it curious that any "good" stuff is very easily and quickly swept under the rug.  I can make 50 good decisions and that one shit one catches me Hell.....

The Version Of Me I Don't See

I was in a verbally & physically abusive relationship for well over 3 years.  I had bruises on my body, black eyes, and a very deflated self worth.  I'm not sure why I stayed looking back.  Of course, at the time I was in love and it was my fault.  I wasn't being sweet enough after he had a hard day. Etc, etc, blah, blah....

I was recently asked why did I let someone beat me.  I'm not a little guy.  I'm over 6'1", 250 plus pounds.  And I have been thinking about that.  (I did finally fight back, but I ended up in jail...that's another post I'll make).  The only thing I can come up with is I still see myself as that scrawny little boy.  I was late to puberty.  So late that I got made fun of for not having hair on my legs and being so short.  Puberty hit me over one summer and I was suddenly the "tall dude".

That's the only thing I can thing of.  I don't see myself as this large, tough looking guy.  Which is probably why I puff up my chest and act like a cobra.  I have to seem bigger, when in reality I already am.

Tales From A Former Beauty Pageant Winner

This story is true.  Believe it or not.

I was once a beauty pageant winner.  I know it's hard to believe this chubby bald "grizzly adams" looking guy could be, but it is true.

I was 6 or 7 years old when it happened.  I'm not sure why I was entered.  It was my first and last competition.  I retired at my peak.  I wasn't going to stay past my prime.  

As I stood up on the stage, I started to walk off, but then I thought I should wave.  So I went back to center stage and waved at everyone.  Apparently that cemented the deal.  I was crown Little Mister Lowell 1981.

As with any washed-up beauty contestant, I became a raging alcoholic to deal with being out of the spotlight.

Helpful As A Hand Grenade

Thinking more on my earlier post.  I used to tell people how my mom had left my at an arcade, forgot to pick me up at school, and never showed up to get me at a restaurant for hours.  The biggest one though was when my parents divorced, she ran from him.  However, she left me (and my siblings).  I was only 13 at the time.

I used to use these as my "war badges" they gave me the right to act out.  My mommie forgot about me, let me suckle this vodka bottle.  I felt it gave a right to act out and play this victimized version of myself.  Poor little John.

I forgave my mom for abandoning me along time ago.  Pretty much when I was in my own abusive relationship.  I suddenly understood the flight or fight response.  I could understand why she did leave.  By know means am I saying her decision was right or wrong, but it was she needed to do to get away and survive.  

The funny part is I held on to her forgetting me places or forgetting to pick me up for a lot longer.  Which now seem very trivial, but I did.  I could explain away the abandonment to anyone, but I was sure to play the victim in being forgotten.  In the last couple of years, I have realized my mom is just a bit scatterbrained.  At least once a week she loses her cell phone, she has to hunt for her debit card every time at the store.  It wasn't that she was a bad mom, she just saw something shiny and went to chase the butterfly.  

So I do my best not the play the victim card anymore.  Besides it doesn't have any credit left on it.

Relationships

I started writing a post back in 2009 about how relationships correspond to my drinking.  However, it was very vile and hateful & totally misguided.  I was honestly trying to blame everyone around me for my drinking.  I had the boyfriend the beat my physically & emotionally. My mom has abandoned me when I was kid.  For some reason I never posted but kept it draft mode.  Given much introspection here is the new version of the post....

Relationships you have with people can empower you or do quite the opposite.  They can help you along or hinder you from your path.  People may think they are doing their very best to help you, but all they are really doing is holding you back.  Or you have people that constantly try to sabotage you.

Above anything though, above all else... I alone let these things happen.  I can't blame anyone but myself for getting to where I am.  I let it all happen.  Of course, it will not help my course to start blaming myself for letting people help/hurt me.  That's counter-productive my goal.  All I can do is understand that I did let it happen and if I want to change my course, then I have to take the reins and steer this motherf@#ker myself.

√Cause = Problem

I have been trying to figure out for a while now what causes me to drink.  And not just drink, but to the point of oblivion.  I have a pretty good life.  Any problem I have is by my own doing (and 99% caused by drinking).

So what is the root cause of my issue?  I'm sure at this point it is causes for all the damage I have done.  Is it because I don't feel worthy of being born?  That I was something of an accident?  Or maybe that I should have had hemophilia & then died like my brother?  Or perhaps from being gay and not being accepted by society or most of my family?  I'm don't have any answers.

I have recently come to the realization that my lot in life is purely the luck of draw.  All the variables lined up and made me what I am.  The same as my brother's life was just a certain set of variables that he had no control over.  So why should I be or how can I be upset about that.  Yes, I can be sad for him and that he has already passed.  However, I can't blame myself and somehow blame myself for any of his problems.  

As many times as I have overdosed, I can only think that I am here for some purpose.  And again, I can't sit here and question the hows and whys.  I just need to realize my life is what I make it.  And if I make it bad, then it is entirely my fault.  However, I have just as much power to make it a good life.

As far as being gay, I can't handle what anyone thinks.  But I have full control not to have them in my life or just on limited terms.  Society doesn't accept a lot of things, just some more and some less.  I just can't let myself get caught in all the hoopla.

My Ganesh

My little Ganesh statute at work.