Tales From A Former Beauty Pageant Winner

This story is true.  Believe it or not.

I was once a beauty pageant winner.  I know it's hard to believe this chubby bald "grizzly adams" looking guy could be, but it is true.

I was 6 or 7 years old when it happened.  I'm not sure why I was entered.  It was my first and last competition.  I retired at my peak.  I wasn't going to stay past my prime.  

As I stood up on the stage, I started to walk off, but then I thought I should wave.  So I went back to center stage and waved at everyone.  Apparently that cemented the deal.  I was crown Little Mister Lowell 1981.

As with any washed-up beauty contestant, I became a raging alcoholic to deal with being out of the spotlight.

Helpful As A Hand Grenade

Thinking more on my earlier post.  I used to tell people how my mom had left my at an arcade, forgot to pick me up at school, and never showed up to get me at a restaurant for hours.  The biggest one though was when my parents divorced, she ran from him.  However, she left me (and my siblings).  I was only 13 at the time.

I used to use these as my "war badges" they gave me the right to act out.  My mommie forgot about me, let me suckle this vodka bottle.  I felt it gave a right to act out and play this victimized version of myself.  Poor little John.

I forgave my mom for abandoning me along time ago.  Pretty much when I was in my own abusive relationship.  I suddenly understood the flight or fight response.  I could understand why she did leave.  By know means am I saying her decision was right or wrong, but it was she needed to do to get away and survive.  

The funny part is I held on to her forgetting me places or forgetting to pick me up for a lot longer.  Which now seem very trivial, but I did.  I could explain away the abandonment to anyone, but I was sure to play the victim in being forgotten.  In the last couple of years, I have realized my mom is just a bit scatterbrained.  At least once a week she loses her cell phone, she has to hunt for her debit card every time at the store.  It wasn't that she was a bad mom, she just saw something shiny and went to chase the butterfly.  

So I do my best not the play the victim card anymore.  Besides it doesn't have any credit left on it.

Relationships

I started writing a post back in 2009 about how relationships correspond to my drinking.  However, it was very vile and hateful & totally misguided.  I was honestly trying to blame everyone around me for my drinking.  I had the boyfriend the beat my physically & emotionally. My mom has abandoned me when I was kid.  For some reason I never posted but kept it draft mode.  Given much introspection here is the new version of the post....

Relationships you have with people can empower you or do quite the opposite.  They can help you along or hinder you from your path.  People may think they are doing their very best to help you, but all they are really doing is holding you back.  Or you have people that constantly try to sabotage you.

Above anything though, above all else... I alone let these things happen.  I can't blame anyone but myself for getting to where I am.  I let it all happen.  Of course, it will not help my course to start blaming myself for letting people help/hurt me.  That's counter-productive my goal.  All I can do is understand that I did let it happen and if I want to change my course, then I have to take the reins and steer this motherf@#ker myself.

√Cause = Problem

I have been trying to figure out for a while now what causes me to drink.  And not just drink, but to the point of oblivion.  I have a pretty good life.  Any problem I have is by my own doing (and 99% caused by drinking).

So what is the root cause of my issue?  I'm sure at this point it is causes for all the damage I have done.  Is it because I don't feel worthy of being born?  That I was something of an accident?  Or maybe that I should have had hemophilia & then died like my brother?  Or perhaps from being gay and not being accepted by society or most of my family?  I'm don't have any answers.

I have recently come to the realization that my lot in life is purely the luck of draw.  All the variables lined up and made me what I am.  The same as my brother's life was just a certain set of variables that he had no control over.  So why should I be or how can I be upset about that.  Yes, I can be sad for him and that he has already passed.  However, I can't blame myself and somehow blame myself for any of his problems.  

As many times as I have overdosed, I can only think that I am here for some purpose.  And again, I can't sit here and question the hows and whys.  I just need to realize my life is what I make it.  And if I make it bad, then it is entirely my fault.  However, I have just as much power to make it a good life.

As far as being gay, I can't handle what anyone thinks.  But I have full control not to have them in my life or just on limited terms.  Society doesn't accept a lot of things, just some more and some less.  I just can't let myself get caught in all the hoopla.

My Ganesh

My little Ganesh statute at work.