So what is the root cause of my issue? I'm sure at this point it is causes for all the damage I have done. Is it because I don't feel worthy of being born? That I was something of an accident? Or maybe that I should have had hemophilia & then died like my brother? Or perhaps from being gay and not being accepted by society or most of my family? I'm don't have any answers.
I have recently come to the realization that my lot in life is purely the luck of draw. All the variables lined up and made me what I am. The same as my brother's life was just a certain set of variables that he had no control over. So why should I be or how can I be upset about that. Yes, I can be sad for him and that he has already passed. However, I can't blame myself and somehow blame myself for any of his problems.
As many times as I have overdosed, I can only think that I am here for some purpose. And again, I can't sit here and question the hows and whys. I just need to realize my life is what I make it. And if I make it bad, then it is entirely my fault. However, I have just as much power to make it a good life.
As far as being gay, I can't handle what anyone thinks. But I have full control not to have them in my life or just on limited terms. Society doesn't accept a lot of things, just some more and some less. I just can't let myself get caught in all the hoopla.
Awen my friend!!! it is all about realizing you only have control over your actions and reactions in this life then move forward with your life. Forgiveness isn't for those who we see having wronged us... forgiveness is for ourselves... and it is time to forgive yourself for the past.
ReplyDeleteYou weren't an accident, my love. You were an surprise. A wonderful gift to us all. So, you've screwed up. We all have. David has it right, you do need to forgive yourself for the past. Then the real work begins. You see, you need to realize that you don't need to forgive yourself for being born. That's way harder than forgiving yourself for it. I love you!!
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