Your Opinions

I have never felt like I was attractive. Not to say that I think I'm ugly, just not attractive. Being gay and having been shunned many times over, doesn't help. I'm too big or balding or the gap in my teeth. I would like to say I don't care, but there is a part of me that does.
However, being on these social apps has told me that men do find me attractive. I always feel like people look at me in public, and in my mind it's like I'm the elephant man. But maybe they are damn, he's cute. Or maybe it's just my fly is down.

Life: It Is What You Make It

I have had a couple people tell that they want to move to another city/state/whatever because they can't find happiness (love, friends, job) where they are currently at.  And I think to myself that I once felt that way.  I hated everything about my life.  I'd going on date after date and never make a good connection.  Looking back into the forest I can see I was the problem.  There were plenty of opportunities here for a love life and friendships.  So maybe they don't need the change of scenery, maybe they need a change of self.  I know I did.

Is Has Been Written...

I have been really stupid a few times in my life.  And yes, these times have using been aided by alcohol.  And I'm not proud of any of it.  However, the things that I have done have already happen.  I can't sit here and ponder what if.  I'd drive myself crazy wondering what all the variables could be to the change the outcome.  It has been written and it is what it is.

However, now it is on me to not repeat these steps again.  And again. And again.  I mean what is really so bad with my life.  I could a good partner, a decent (but at times dreadfully boring) job, family that cares and a few friends left over.  So, the question still remains, why the self destructive path?  What makes me that it is even remotely normal to drink a gallon (that's two of the handle bottles) in two days?  I used to chuckle when Charlie Sheen was going through his crazy phase, but only because I could relate.....

Holiday

I feel like I'm about to go crazy if I don't get to go on some kind of vacation soon.  It seems like everyone around me has been able to take some time off and go somewhere.  Even the people that I can't imagine how they paid for it.

Granted in the last year I have been to Dallas, Tulsa, Branson & Kansas City.  However, each one of those trips were to go do a specific thing and come right back home.

The last time I went on what I consider a vacation was to San Antonio & Corpus Christi.  And that has been well over 15 years ago.  In six years, I have yet to take a full week off from my job.

However, there is a slight glimmer of hope.  David and I are planning on going to Atlanta for the Thanksgiving Holiday. I will get to the see his hometown and meet some of his family & friends.  I'm hoping that after this trip, I will feel like I have had some down time away from the world and just about to recharge myself.

Everybody Got Their Something

Everybody is addicted to something.  Whether it's coffee every morning, sex, food, exercise.  Everybody has something.  I am always thankful that I didn't get into anything heavier than alcohol.  I think if meth or coke had gotten a hold of me, I wouldn't be able to shake it.  It's hard for me to say that to people without sounding foolish.  "Look at me, I'm only a drunk."  It just doesn't come across well.  But there is that part of me that is glad.  I know I have more than a fighting chance to get through this.

Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary

So I didn't stand in front of mirror and chant for her.  However, I almost wish I had...

I did however go to brunch and thinking I would be sophisticated ordered a carafe of Bloody Mary.  That was one of the worst things I have ever tasted in my life.  I honestly felt like I was drinking a steak sent through the blender on puree.  Here's the funny part.  I could taste the vodka.  Which has been my liquor of choice for over ten years.  And I looked at David and said even if you filled this the rest of the way with vodka, I still wouldn't drink it.  So, that makes me wonder if my "drinking problem" is more of a habit than an addiction.  I have been at David's house with his mead and haven't busted in to it.  I'm able to have a couple of beers and still maintain my composure.  I don't sit there and crawl the walls trying to think of a way to get some.  I mean if I wanted it that bad, I could walk to the bar down the street.  But I don't.

So what if this is just a habit I have gotten myself in to.  I know a lot of it was being bored, depressed and just wanting to "take a trip".  I was going to say forget, but I didn't want to forget.  I just wanted to be somewhere else for the night.  Granted a book could have transported me as well.

Does this mean that I just need to re-program how/when I drink?  

I Have Got Nothing But Everything To Prove

There are times you think you are only doing things to yourself, but those are times you are wrong.  Every action you take has an impact on the people in your life and even those outside of your life.  

I have thought numerous times that if I wasn't drunk John to anyone, then how could I possibly be do anything to them.  I was only hurting myself and no one else.  I'm finding this is not true.  Whether I can stay sober the rest of my life or still have slip ups, I am having impacts on peoples lives.

I do find it curious that any "good" stuff is very easily and quickly swept under the rug.  I can make 50 good decisions and that one shit one catches me Hell.....